Catching Up...

Here's the latest:

• the academic year is over! woo-hoo!
• we heard peanut's heartbeat for the first time this week!
• we're getting married next Saturday!
• i had a great lunch with the ex and shared all the recent, happy developments.
• it's race weekend in Charlotte. :(

It's hard to believe I've been at the university for nearly a year. I'm not sure where this semester went especially and the summer is already promising to fly by. I love my job, my supervisor and my coworkers and am truly, truly blessed.

I had my latest dr's appt on Tuesday and heard the heartbeat there for the first time. It was the most amazing sound ever. Then, yesterday, we got to hear it again, courtesy of a very cool little hand-held doppler I ordered from amazon.com.

It's official - we're getting hitched next Saturday. We decided to do it now and have a celebration later - so my mom's coming to visit for a couple of days and his kids will be there, plus a few of our friends who live locally. In a week, I'll be married. Yikes! :)

On Monday, I met the ex for lunch and filled him in on all the good news. He was very kind and supportive, but a little suprised. He said, "Well at least we know that your eggs and my sperm both work; they just weren't meant to work together." True true.

And, it's NASCAR hell in Charlotte for the next two weeks....when a quarter of a million people descend on my city, tie up traffic and monopolize hotels and restaurants. I suppose if the superbowl were held in Charlotte and the Steelers ALWAYS played in it, I might have some idea of how excited these people are, but I just can't get into a bunch of cars speeding around a track that's two miles long. Nope...sorry!

New Beginnings....

Several weeks of morning sickness, two pregnancy tests, two doctor's appointments, lots of anxiety and one very positive ultrasound later....it seems to be official...I'm pregnant!

But....I'm not in a huge, huge hurry to tell folks just yet. (So, blondie, why in the hell are you telling the internet?) Because I can....and because the inside of my uterus has never fascinated me so much.

So far, we've only told his brother/sister-in-law and my bestest friend from high school, while soon-to-be-daddy is struggling a little wondering why I don't want to shout this from the rooftops.

I'm just being cautiously optimistic while I get my own head in the game. Next step: figuring out how and when to tell people....beyond that - there's lots more, but I'm going to go day-to-day with this for a little while. :)

Until then - it looks like the real excitement begins in November. More soon.....

It's Official!

Can't write much now....but I can say it's official and it's good. :) Stay tuned! :)

All Mixed Up, But Somehow Not.

What's a girl to think when:

• she's got a lot going on in her personal life
• her ex sends an e-mail that says, "you home tonight?"
• she is in the most incredibly loving, supportive and fantastic relationship ever

She thinks:

• she is giving it all over to God and will trust that things will work out as they are supposed to work out.
• she tells him that she needs some space and asks him to respect that (while simultaneously and very genuinely praying that he makes his own peace with his decisions)
• she concentrates on being grateful for the amazing human bean in her life - and for the fact that the above-mentioned-ex's decisions led her down a path which brought her to this amazing man and their fabulous relationship.

Lessons from Little Kids

I found myself in church on Sunday. That's not so much the point of this post - but let's keep that factoid to ourselves because if my mother discovers I was there, it will only instill false-hope that will breed endless conversations about when I may return again, what I thought about the homily, how the church isn't so bad....etc. While she's mellowed in her Catholicism over the years, she still hangs on to some idea that I'll come to my senses, or will at least hit my head hard enough on something to render me senseless - either of which will send me running, without passing go, back to weekly mass. Don't get me wrong -- I believe in God - just not the Roman Catholic version of it all - and simultaneously, don't find it necessary to profess my faith on a weekly basis in a building full of hypocrites. (Ouch. I know. I'm really not that bitter - just have some major beefs with the faith in which I was raised)

Moving on....so, I'm in church and sitting in front of me is a set of grandparents with their beautiful little granddaughter. By my estimations, she was 5 or 6 - and had the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen. Not buying into the antics of those her age around her, she was remarkably well-behaved - sitting patiently through a long-winded homily while no doubt thinking lovely chocolate-infused thoughts.

About 3/4 of the way through mass, she slipped and bumped her tailbone on the edge of the pew. If you've done this --- you know how badly that can smart. It shook the pew and I waited for those little eyes to fill up with well-deserved tears.....

Instead, she smiled.

And, it struck me at that moment -- from very early on in life, some of us learn how to instinctively smile through whatever pain we may be experiencing. Which led me to wonder: how do we learn to do that? Why do we do that? Why are some of us innately better at doing it than others?

And, more impressively - it was a grin and bear it smile, it was a "I'm going to be just fine. i got this. I'm a big girl. this is no big deal" kind of smile. So, my newest quest is to take a page from her play book and learn to do that more often.....to greet life's disappointments with grace and a smile.....to have faith that I am strong enough to weather whatever little pains may come my way.

God Bless that little girl.....

Life

Have you ever had that sneaky feeling you are standing on the edge of a cliff overlooking something much bigger than yourself? Clearly, if you've been to the grand canyon (or some place equally as breathtaking), you can answer in the affirmative, and quite literally. That's not quite what I mean - particularly because I've never been to the Grand Canyon. (And while I sense I'm missing out on something - I'm afraid standing overlooking the ground thousands and thousands of feet below me may contribute quickly to the losing of my lunch.)

Anyway.....I'm facing something hugely exciting, enormously life-altering and I'm the ONLY one who knows. Well, I think I know - does that count?

I'm trying to muster up the courage to put my game face on, to be the liberated, independent woman my fantastic role-model of a mother raised me to be - yet even with that, I'm only the slightest bit apprehensive about what may be ahead.

Stay tuned.....

No Lifeguard on Duty!

Taken in Clearwater Beach, Florida - this is a reminder of one of my favorite metaphors for life after college....there really should be a required class for all college students about life after college. :)

Welcome to Wherever You Are

It's been a little while - clearly I'm about as good at this whole blogging-thing as I am at keeping up with a journal. Whether it was the small nudge from a dear friend of mine who insisted that one entry does not a blog make, or the desire to get some of the "crazy" out - one can't be too sure, but no matter what the motivation, here I am!

So, what's on your mind?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about where I am in life and why I'm here. As you could probably guess, I have a lot better handle on the where than the why - but one of my favorite Bon Jovi songs suggests that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, which is an idea I've been working hard as of late, to embrace.

I'm at an interesting crossroads in my own head - nearing the 31st anniversary of my birth and still, on occasion, grappling with the notion of being divorced, childless, and while gainfully employed, still not quite sure I've yet discovered my life's work. Adding all that up, it's hard to believe sometimes that I am right where I'm supposed to be - but as those wise NJ boys say, I do feel caught between who I am and who I want to be....

Where did all of this come from today?

Once a month, my beloved college on the hill sends out an online alumni update - which is chalked full of wedding and birth announcements....a virtual brag book of accomplishments. While I try very hard to see those through the lens of being proud of and happy for my fellow alums (some of whom are good friends), it's tough to be in a different place than I imagined I would be at nearly 31.

So -- before I break out the invitations for a very unnecessary pity party - let me clarify that most of the time, I'm quite happy with where I am in life and can definitely appreciate the silver linings and blessings of the unanticipated paths I've traveled.

Anyone out there have any advice about embracing the here and now while having faith that I'm right where I'm supposed to be?

Introduction

I've recently discovered that somewhere along the way, I developed a really bad habit of jumping into a conversation with the inherent assumption that the people I'm talking with are on the same page as I. When you think about it - that's either blissfully nieve or incredibly self-centered. I'm not sure which, but I'm not so jazzed about either prospect. Lest I continue that trend here, allow me to introduce myself, tell you a little bit about why I've decided to take the blogging plunge and give you some background on what I chose this particular blog name.

As for me - I'm a thirty-something, dog-owning, wanna-be writer/photographer/creative spirit who longs to be self employed, to live in an artsy-fartsy town and to split her time between the beaches and mountains of the great state of North Carolina. A northern transplant, I have been living in the south for the better part of the last 10 years and I'm not sure if there's much that would pursuade me to trade in the mild winters, beautiful blue skies and close proximity to both the sea level and higher elevations for any other state. I also oscillate between identifying myself as being divorced and opting to let that part of my life slip away unnoticed. That mini-identity crisis is rooted in being commited to not wanting to define my life by that one event, but also not wanting to be disingenuous about an important part of my life gone-by.

What prompted me to jump into the blogging pool? I have been admiring others' blogs from a distance for quite some time but have been hesitant to air my thoughts publicly. I tend to be a private person and have even strayed away from keeping a personal journal for fear of my private thoughts falling into even otherwise well-meaning hands. Despite that, my leap has been inspired by my friend matildasue, whose blog is fabulous. I've always admired her creativity and it reignited my desire to write - so I figured having my own blog would be a pretty damn good excuse to write, yes?

I felt a lot of pressure to choose a unique, but interesting name for my blog. It felt like naming a business or a child or a dog (none of which are on equal playing fields in the naming biz, I realize), but I didn't want to mess it up. I've been listening a lot to an amazing folk artist, Antje Duvekot, who has a beautiful song called "Merry Go Round." The lyrics are filled with much hope and are so beautifully crafted - so much so that they even caught the attention of my favorite financial institution, Bank of America. See for yourself below:

Merry-Go-Round
Someone is tossing petals in a stream
Somewhere someone is standing at the foothills of their dreams
Someone got a paintbrush, is painting over doubts
Someone opened up his eyes and saw the sun coming out
Someone was captive and found the courage to get off
From a boulder in the well somewhere the rain has stopped
Someone is finding the place where they belong

Everyday is summer somewhere in the world
And the summer boys are headed for the falls to kiss the girls
With their impatient hands groping honey breasts and curls
They are filled with desire
And high in the hills there's a baby being born
As forgiveness and peace wash over bruises and sores
People bridging the distance over nettles and thorns

Everyone aboard on the merry-go-round
Some things will rise up so that others come down
If the devil don't dance, heaven won't shine
It's a mighty thick haze and it's a pretty thin line
If the facuet is tightened up the love won't flow
If the love isn't bright enough the corn won't grow
If the night isn't dark enough the moon won't glow

A rich man counting money, a tired man counting sheep
While the safe man counts his blessings, the hungry man has beans
There's a million people praying, raising up their eyes
To what turns out to be the same god, the same sky
We are slightly scared of death, a little bit afraid
So we celebrate everything we can think to celebrate
We shall sing out loud to keep the hounds away

Everyone aboard on the merry-go-round
Some things will rise up so that others come down
If the devil don't dance, heaven won't shine
It's a mighty thick haze and it's a pretty thin line
If the facuet is tightened up the love won't flow
If the love isn't bright enough the corn won't grow
If the night isn't dark enough the moon won't glow

Prisons will crumble and governments will fall
It's the order of freedom to be preceded by walls
Cause the truth would be worthless if no one ever lied
So we carry our shame in the interest of pride
And we have all these questions to make us go roam
And we’ve got all this distance to make us come home
As the sun burns, a child learns, the tide churns, the world turns

Everyone aboard on the merry-go-round
Some things will rise up so that others come down
If the devil don't dance, heaven won't shine
It's a mighty thick haze and it's a pretty thin line
If the facuet is tightened up the love won't flow
If the love isn't bright enough the corn won't grow
If the night isn't dark enough the moon won't glow